JCT

The horrible habits of the homeworker

In Homeworking on September 27, 2011 at 12:14 pm

C’mon. We all have them. I mean, if you’re left alone in the house all day where no one can see you, not even your Twitter friends, then you’re going to allow yourself to, shall we say, ‘relax’ in a way you might not if you were in an office, or in the presence of other human beings.

Below are some of the most common homeworker habits gathered from a totally unscientific sample (I’ll admit to about 70% of them, but I’m not saying which ones).

How many do you do?

(note to self – avoid doing any of these next time invited anywhere for a day shift)

1. dunking biscuits in tea

2. dunking biscuits in tea, losing bit of biscuit in tea, fishing it out with fingers and eating anyway

3. eating ham straight from the packet without removing from fridge

4. or baked beans. or cheese. just cheese. on its own. the whole 100g block of Wensleydale

5. at 11am

6. crying

7. having your first drink at 6pm. Ok, 5.30. Ok 4.59. Ok lunchtime – but only on a Friday. Ok Thursday…

8. crisps. too many crisps. especially antisocial flavours like cheese and onion

9. instead of lunch

10. eating crisps because they are ‘easy’ and ‘instant’ while ignoring the fact that so is fruit

11. drinking fizzy water straight from the bottle. Even though it’s a big bottle and you share a house

12. picking your feet

13. farting

14. farting, then reviewing the fart out loud

15. working in your pants (summer, mainly)

16. working in thermal underwear and that faded, grey, shapeless, motheaten jumper that’s really warm and comfy but if your partner knew you still owned, let alone wore, they’d divorce you. And bedsocks (winter, mainly)

17. having a nap after The Archers (lunchtime repeat)

18. leaving half-eaten bits of food on the side cos you might come back to them later

19. coming back to them later

20. checking your online banking twice a day to see if you’ve been paid yet

21. tweeting/blogging/posting self-pitying tweets/blogs/posts about how you haven’t been paid for months and what bastards *insert name of media institution or rich client here* are and how all accounts departments should have their wages paid two months late or at random to see how they like it… in the hope that it will either get you paid quicker or make you feel better (it doesn’t)

22. wearing children’s clips in your hair or experimenting with hairstyles and fashions you last wore in the 1980s or saw in a young person’s mag

23. forgetting, then answering door/going round to shops

24. smelling your fingers

25. talking to the cat as if it is a) your therapist b) your marriage guidance councillor c) listening d) inclined to give a shit

26. attempting to de-blackhead your nose or wax your eyebrows with cellotape just because it’s on your desk and you’re bored

27. making false eyelashes, beards and finger nails out of Post-its (same reason)

28. using a clean mug for every new cup of tea because there’s no one to get arsey about it, drinking, then leaving mug on whatever shelf you happen to be passing at the time

28. going to the loo with the door open

30. porn

 

Ok, now it’s your turn. ‘Fess up. What do you get up to when no one’s watching?

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  1. All of these and more horrors beside. The big missing entries here relate to being outraged when anyone expects me to do something “domestic”, because I’m not at home, I’m at work.

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